What do you do?

This is the question I get asked most often. It is a tricky question to answer because I have very strong feelings about what I do, and not a lot of people understand those feelings. Well, today I am going to try to explain. I don't mean to offend anyone by this post. If you read something you don't like or don't agree with, you don't have to keep reading. We can agree to disagree.

We just celebrated our third anniversary. I can't believe it has already been three years! It is crazy that time has gone by so fast, but that it has been SO good. We decided before we got married that I wasn't going to work because we wanted to have kids right away. It was perfect timing because my internship for school was just ending, and I didn't feel bad not staying.

Then we were married and months passed without me getting pregnant. It became obvious that I wasn't working and wasn't having children and people demanded an explanation. (At least that is what it felt like. I felt like they thought that if I didn't have children, my place was no longer in the home, but in the workforce, providing extra income for our family.)

I started feeling really guilty that I didn't have children and wasn't working outside of our home. I didn't know what to do. Getting a job at that point made me feel like I was giving up on the idea of having kids. That thought was unbearable so instead of looking for jobs or trying to explain how I felt when people asked, I just brushed it off with a joke. I was blessed to have a husband that wanted to provide financially for our family and wanted me to do what made me happy.

I struggled a lot the first couple of years of our marriage - not knowing what I was supposed to be doing. I mean, I KNEW I was supposed to be a mom, but it obviously wasn't time for that. So what did I do with all this extra time that I wanted to fill with changing diapers, reading stories, caring for and teaching my kids until they got here? I cooked and cleaned and read and prayed and fulfilled my callings and read my scriptures and would get so discouraged when I would start and knew there would be another month of waiting before the nine months of pregnancy. I can't count the number of times I cried to my husband (and Heavenly Father) feeling like my life was being wasted because I knew I would do the most good as a mother. What was I meant to do as I waited? How should I fill the hours of the day in the meantime?

Some days were easier than others and I wouldn't worry as much, but there were some days that I was so confused! I didn't want to work outside of our home. I hated working. It always seemed like such a waste of time. I loved being at home - cooking and cleaning, but I didn't think it would be enough as I waited to become a mom. I felt like

So I researched. I tried to figure out what I was supposed to be doing. I certainly didn't want to waste my time, and I wanted to show my Heavenly Father that I was dedicated to being patient until He sent me kids. I wanted Him to know that I wasn't going to sit around waiting for that to happen.

I decided I would spend my time doing things that I felt would make me a better mother. I wanted to have in place all of those habits I wanted to have as a mom - those things I wanted to teach my children. During that process, I also had to rearrange my definition of a homemaker because I had it all wrong. Moms don't make homemakers. Homemakers are women who know that they are daughters of God with endless potential. She is given the responsibility of making her home feel like a temple: a place where the Spirit of God can dwell, a place of learning, a place of love, a refuge from the noise and uncleanliness of the world. She is charged with nurturing her family - knowing the physical and spiritual needs of her family and making sure they are met. She is meant to display Christ-like attributes and work towards being with Him again someday. She is to be an example of service and love in her community. She is supposed to continue learning and becoming better.

I read an article about how having a stay-at-home mom is a luxury for the working dad. I'd never thought about that before. I find that to be true without kids. After a long day teaching teenagers about history, my husband gets to come to a clean, peaceful home. He gets to spend time with someone who can sit and listen to the details of his day and offer sympathy for the difficult parts.  He gets to share funny stories and do any additional work he needs to to be ready for school without worrying about cleaning the house or doing laundry or making dinner. We get to spend the weekends together without having to get lists of chores done. It is a perfect system.

I read another article the other day about what moms were meant to do when all their kids were in school. It made me think about my situation and the similarities. I have hours to fill without children to care for. The author felt like she had to have a long list to make her feel like she was doing enough during the day. Homemakers are not meant to fill every waking minute with accomplishing something. I've often felt like that - that I need to have a list five miles long each week of accomplishments. It's hard to quantify the time spent building a stronger relationship with my Heavenly Father or learning in the scriptures or pondering stories or people in the scriptures. Feeling prompted to contact a friend or a family member rarely makes the list, but these are the things that keep my home peaceful. These are the things that increase my testimony, patience, understanding, and love. These are the things that I want my kids to know me for so these are the things I want to fill my time doing.

So now I have a list of things that I need to work on to be better prepared to be a mother and things I can do to be a better homemaker. It is a long list and it takes me out of my comfort zone more often than I would like, but I know the things I am working on are worth-while. I know that someday when I am blessed with kids, I won't have to worry about changing so I can be the mom they deserve.

And at the end of the day, I no longer feel guilty about telling people that I am a homemaker because it is the most important thing a woman can do.