What do you do?

This is the question I get asked most often. It is a tricky question to answer because I have very strong feelings about what I do, and not a lot of people understand those feelings. Well, today I am going to try to explain. I don't mean to offend anyone by this post. If you read something you don't like or don't agree with, you don't have to keep reading. We can agree to disagree.

We just celebrated our third anniversary. I can't believe it has already been three years! It is crazy that time has gone by so fast, but that it has been SO good. We decided before we got married that I wasn't going to work because we wanted to have kids right away. It was perfect timing because my internship for school was just ending, and I didn't feel bad not staying.

Then we were married and months passed without me getting pregnant. It became obvious that I wasn't working and wasn't having children and people demanded an explanation. (At least that is what it felt like. I felt like they thought that if I didn't have children, my place was no longer in the home, but in the workforce, providing extra income for our family.)

I started feeling really guilty that I didn't have children and wasn't working outside of our home. I didn't know what to do. Getting a job at that point made me feel like I was giving up on the idea of having kids. That thought was unbearable so instead of looking for jobs or trying to explain how I felt when people asked, I just brushed it off with a joke. I was blessed to have a husband that wanted to provide financially for our family and wanted me to do what made me happy.

I struggled a lot the first couple of years of our marriage - not knowing what I was supposed to be doing. I mean, I KNEW I was supposed to be a mom, but it obviously wasn't time for that. So what did I do with all this extra time that I wanted to fill with changing diapers, reading stories, caring for and teaching my kids until they got here? I cooked and cleaned and read and prayed and fulfilled my callings and read my scriptures and would get so discouraged when I would start and knew there would be another month of waiting before the nine months of pregnancy. I can't count the number of times I cried to my husband (and Heavenly Father) feeling like my life was being wasted because I knew I would do the most good as a mother. What was I meant to do as I waited? How should I fill the hours of the day in the meantime?

Some days were easier than others and I wouldn't worry as much, but there were some days that I was so confused! I didn't want to work outside of our home. I hated working. It always seemed like such a waste of time. I loved being at home - cooking and cleaning, but I didn't think it would be enough as I waited to become a mom. I felt like

So I researched. I tried to figure out what I was supposed to be doing. I certainly didn't want to waste my time, and I wanted to show my Heavenly Father that I was dedicated to being patient until He sent me kids. I wanted Him to know that I wasn't going to sit around waiting for that to happen.

I decided I would spend my time doing things that I felt would make me a better mother. I wanted to have in place all of those habits I wanted to have as a mom - those things I wanted to teach my children. During that process, I also had to rearrange my definition of a homemaker because I had it all wrong. Moms don't make homemakers. Homemakers are women who know that they are daughters of God with endless potential. She is given the responsibility of making her home feel like a temple: a place where the Spirit of God can dwell, a place of learning, a place of love, a refuge from the noise and uncleanliness of the world. She is charged with nurturing her family - knowing the physical and spiritual needs of her family and making sure they are met. She is meant to display Christ-like attributes and work towards being with Him again someday. She is to be an example of service and love in her community. She is supposed to continue learning and becoming better.

I read an article about how having a stay-at-home mom is a luxury for the working dad. I'd never thought about that before. I find that to be true without kids. After a long day teaching teenagers about history, my husband gets to come to a clean, peaceful home. He gets to spend time with someone who can sit and listen to the details of his day and offer sympathy for the difficult parts.  He gets to share funny stories and do any additional work he needs to to be ready for school without worrying about cleaning the house or doing laundry or making dinner. We get to spend the weekends together without having to get lists of chores done. It is a perfect system.

I read another article the other day about what moms were meant to do when all their kids were in school. It made me think about my situation and the similarities. I have hours to fill without children to care for. The author felt like she had to have a long list to make her feel like she was doing enough during the day. Homemakers are not meant to fill every waking minute with accomplishing something. I've often felt like that - that I need to have a list five miles long each week of accomplishments. It's hard to quantify the time spent building a stronger relationship with my Heavenly Father or learning in the scriptures or pondering stories or people in the scriptures. Feeling prompted to contact a friend or a family member rarely makes the list, but these are the things that keep my home peaceful. These are the things that increase my testimony, patience, understanding, and love. These are the things that I want my kids to know me for so these are the things I want to fill my time doing.

So now I have a list of things that I need to work on to be better prepared to be a mother and things I can do to be a better homemaker. It is a long list and it takes me out of my comfort zone more often than I would like, but I know the things I am working on are worth-while. I know that someday when I am blessed with kids, I won't have to worry about changing so I can be the mom they deserve.

And at the end of the day, I no longer feel guilty about telling people that I am a homemaker because it is the most important thing a woman can do.

It's like riding a bike...

I am hopeful that is true. I haven't blogged in a while, but I would like to think that it will come back to me. I still have things to say. Since it has been so long, I thought I would give you an update on how life is going.

When I was a teenager, I made a list of qualities I wanted in my future husband. None of those 1,638 qualities included what career I wanted my husband to pursue. I just wanted him wanted him to enjoy what he did. I wanted him to feel like he was making a difference. I wanted him to be happy. I also wanted him to want to provide for his family so I could fulfill my role as a homemaker.

I was very blessed with a husband who took his role as a provider seriously. When Joe was writing full-time, I knew it wasn't his favorite thing to do. It wasn't making him happy. He didn't feel like he was making a difference in the way he could. So we moved away from our families and friends, and he started teaching. Teaching makes him happy. He's getting the chance to make a difference.

I miss having him around all day, but it makes me appreciate the time we get together even more. I was spoiled the first two and a half years of marriage. I got to hang out with my best friend all day. Anytime I had something to tell him, I just told him. I didn't have to worry about schedules or interfering with his work. Life was great, but it always made me a little sad that he wasn't finding joy in his work. It makes me very grateful that he was willing to keep doing that to provide for our family until he got his dream job.

Now that he has that dream job, our home is different. (Other than the fact that it is just me at home most days.) He adds to the peace and happiness level when he comes home every day. I didn't even know that was missing before.

I love almost everything about Arizona. I did not love the heat in the middle of the summer. It is very hot. I am hopeful that my body gets used to it so I don't sweat every time I step outside next summer. I also do not love how fast produce dies. I was used to buying things for a couple of weeks, but now it only lasts a couple of days.

I love how beautiful it is here. I love palm trees and cacti. I point out almost every tree and plant and tell Joe that I want them in our yard when we buy a house here. I am seriously going to have to pay someone to design my yard or it could end up looking like a nursery threw up on my lawn. I also love the temperature now! It's perfect. Plus it rains. Like proper rain. We used to joke that when we lived in Provo, it would rain for a couple of minutes and be done. Now when it rains it floods everything. The lightening storms and dust storms are pretty incredible.

Have I mentioned they have a professional baseball team here? Did I also mention that because they have a stadium here, the Cardinals get to play here? The stadium has a roof and is air-conditioned so we don't have to melt into puddles in our seats. We lucked out this year. The Cardinals didn't play in Phoenix until we moved here. Next year, it is earlier in the season. Either way, we are happy to get to see them live and cheer until our voices go away. It's pretty special.

We live 15 minutes away from the Mesa and Gilbert temples. We've only been to Gilbert so far. It is so beautiful. The doors are incredible - I will have to post pictures someday soon. They are my favorite. I went to the groundbreaking when I lived here before so it is incredible to see how much different the area is now.

I think that catches up most things. Life is good in the Zona. I left out is how I spend my days, and I did that on purpose. I have another post in mind. That is for another day. Soon.