(In)Fertility

I've wanted to write this post from the beginning of this blog. It is something that is always on my mind. If you read my Background post, you'll know that all I've wanted in life is to be a wife and a mother. Well, I am halfway there.

I absolutely love being a wife. It is far better than I ever could have imagined. I am with my best friend every day. I wake up happy every morning. I have a thoughtful, loving husband who came up with Tuesday presents and Duvet Days. (Those are days that I get to relax and do absolutely nothing - but it's not just about sitting around and reading. It is being appreciated and feeling adored.) He wants, more than anything for me to be happy. He makes it a point to initiate family home evening, family prayers, and family scripture study. He dislikes contention as much as I do and is quick to apologize and make things better. He is an incredible husband and will be an incredible father someday. I think I knew that best when I first heard him pray that we would be blessed with a baby. (That was well over a year ago and even though it has been repeated many times, it still brings tears to my eyes.)

We decided when we were first married that we want to be parents right away and didn't plan on using birth control. We've been married for just over 18 months, and to be honest with you, that means it has been 18 months of crying the day I started each month. It means that there have been 18 roller coaster rides that start with the hope of being pregnant and crash when that isn't the case. It is a hard ride to get up from, dust yourself off and then buckle into the same ride for another round.

I want to make it clear that there are a couple of things I want to accomplish with this post. Sympathy is not one of them. I want to help people understand this particular trial. I don't know about everyone else in the world, but I know so many people who are having to deal with the trial of having difficulties becoming pregnant. I don't know if I wasn't paying attention before or if it is progressively becoming worse. Either way, I want to make it easier for you to empathize with people going through it. I know that this isn't the most difficult thing someone can go through, but it isn't easy either (wouldn't be called a trial if it was).

My next purpose is for those that read this blog that are having this same struggle. I want you to know why it is a good thing to not get pregnant when you hope, pray, and want to. (Please don't stop reading here thinking that I am cold hearted, just trust me.) Also, I want you to know that just because you are having problems, you shouldn't lose hope or get discouraged. You can still cry. I do. It doesn't ever last long, but I need to get out my emotions before I can start over each month. You have my permission to do the same.

I took my first pregnancy test about 3 weeks after I was married. I was a couple of days late and so excited. It was negative and I cried. I started 2 days later. That has happened 4 times now. It doesn't get easier to see a no. I started taking ovulation tests after we had been married about 6 months to see if that would help. I stopped a couple of months later because it was harder to know I was ovulating and still not getting pregnant.

So many thoughts went through my mind at that point. It usually started with questions like "What's wrong with me?" or "Why are so many women who don't want to be pregnant getting pregnant?"The really hard months made me feel like a failure. I am a woman. One of my roles is to be a mom. If I let myself get dragged down by all of the questions and doubts, it led to questions like, "What am I doing so wrong that Heavenly Father doesn't trust me with His children?" or "Why doesn't Heavenly Father want me to be a mom?"  Those questions are enough to break your heart and they did some months.

If you are going over these same questions or your own variety of them, please stop. Doubts and fears are just going to make things harder for you. Please try to find the positive. Believe me, I know in those moments that it seems too hard to focus on the positive. Please keep trying though. Find someone to talk to who understands (you have my permission for that person to be me in the future) and cleave to your spouse. They may not show it the same way women do, but they are suffering too. You not being a mom yet means that he doesn't get to be a dad yet. Remember that.

Another difficulty I encountered happened because my friends and family members were so anxious for me to be a mom (they know that is my dream and always has been). So having to tell them month after month that I wasn't pregnant would just remind me that I wasn't pregnant. After so long it turned from a positive "Are you pregnant?" to "Do you think there is something wrong you?" or "Maybe it is time to go to a fertility specialist." or "Maybe you should just adopt instead." It was hard at first, but I am grateful to know that they cared enough to know what I wanted and hope for it for me. In those moments, I just wanted to talk to someone who understood what I was feeling or would let me vent.

So, if you know of someone who is struggling to conceive, my advice to you is to think before you make comments that seem to be harmless to you. It could be a hard day for them. We are all confused and know our options, we just need support. Think of it like any other trial. If you have a friend that just lost a job, there's nothing you can do (unless you can hire them) but you can be there to support them. You can encourage them. You can let them know you love them. It's the same thing.

Okay, now I want to talk about the more important part. This has been quite the journey for me. I know that I am supposed to be a mom. I don't have a guarantee that it will be in this life, but I feel like it will. (No, that's not just because I want it to. There is a lot of fasting and prayer that led to this feeling.) One of my favorite quotes is from Elder Neal A. Maxwell. He said that "Faith also includes trust in God's timing, for He has said, "All things must come to pass in their time." (D&C 64:32) Because I have faith in God, I can trust in His timing. He knows me, knows how I feel, and what is best for me. He is also there for me. If I rely on Him to guide me through this trial, it will teach me to become more like Him.

The fact that I haven't been blessed with children yet is proof that there is a plan for me and my family. If you think about it the same way you think about receiving the answer "No" to a prayer, you will realize that there is something better for you on the horizon. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland once said that you can either get what you want or something better. I really believe that is the case. We have a Heavenly Father who wants us to be happy and will either give us what we want or something that is even better for us. I am so grateful to know that.

Because I made the decision to trust in my Heavenly Father, I know that it is now my responsibility to prepare to have children. I am blessed with time to prepare my heart, actions, and home for children. I want to have in place those things that I want to teach my kids. For example, I want my kids to know how important the scriptures are. I get the chance now to make it a habit to study the scriptures everyday. I get the time to turn myself into a better mom than I could have been a month ago and a year ago.

One of my favorite scripture stories is that of Zacharias and Elisabeth. I can't compare myself to the trials they faced the many years they hoped and prayed and wanted children, but I can better understand how Elisabeth felt. I can see how much Heavenly Father loved and cared for them without them knowing. They were blessed with a son who was "great in the sight of the Lord." They weren't supposed to have John when they were younger. There was a plan for them and for him. Because they remained faithful through their trials, they were blessed. So during those days that I feel sorry for myself, I remember Elisabeth. I think of her as a woman with feelings and emotions. I think of her heartbreak and steady faith. That reminds me that it is imperative that I keep going. Elisabeth had to wait many years before her prayers were answered, but what would have happened if she faltered and gave up? I don't want to find out what would happen if I falter or give up.

There are several different definitions of infertility. Some organizations say that if you are my age and have tried unsuccessfully for a year to conceive a baby, you are infertile. Some organizations give you two years to try. I am aware that there are treatments that can assist you to become pregnant or to ovulate more regularly. Trust me, I've done a lot of research. I also know that those aren't always successful because at the end of the day, it takes more than sperm meeting an egg. It requires a spirit sent from Heavenly Father. He has the last say. That is pretty lucky for us since He is all-powerful and all-knowing. He knows when it will be my turn and is asking me to wait patiently. Someday, he might prompt me to get medical assistance to conceive a baby, but for now, He just wants to see that I can rely on my faith in Him.

Since this is always on my mind, this isn't the last time you'll hear about it. I hope my perspective helps you understand something you didn't know before. Even if you didn't, I am grateful I have this record for the day that my kids are on my last nerve and I am running out of patience and understanding. I want to remember in those moments how many times I prayed and hoped for them to be here.